Another big first for us again yesterday. Molly put on her very first pair of blue jeans. Marshal and I couldn't believe how big she looked! I almost wanted to take them off and put her back into an all-in-one sleeper. Maybe it was the XU t-shirt (thanks EL), but she all of the sudden didn't look like a baby anymore. She's turning into a toddler way quicker than I thought...way quicker than I want her to.
I don't know if it was the jeans or the fact that she'll be a YEAR OLD in a few weeks, but last night I just couldn't lay her in her crib. I kept telling myself that we'll just rock a little longer; I wanted her sleepy body draped in my arms a little while longer. I just wanted to suck it all in and make sure years down the road I don't regret not holding her enough...not cherishing every moment of her baby-ness. My biggest fear is twenty years from now feeling the pain, sadness of wishing I could hold her the way I can right now. I don't want to freeze her or hold her back from anything, but I just want to make sure I enjoy every bit of it...every sweet smile, every hug, every breath. I admit it. I'm having a very hard time imagining her growing up and not relying entirely on me for everything and not being her entire world. I don't want to think about the day when she doesn't need me anymore. I will always need her. I will always love her.
I tell you, Marshal and I are turning into a bunch of weepies.
Last night we watched Dateline NBC. Basketball had postponed our recent Sunday night ritual of watching Amazing Race. Dateline was following a project similar to those of Tye Pennington from Extreme Home Make-Over, but there weren't any big promos or advertisements. It was completely done through individual charity. The receipiant of all the charity was a single mother of triplets. She had given birth to quadruplets five months early. While in the NICU, they lost one. Two of the other surviving babies were diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Later, the two were diagnosed with a terminal illness affecting the muscles. During all this her marriage broke up. To read more about the story or to watch the entire episode (which I absolutely think you should) you can find it here. Needless to say, there wasn't a dry eye between the two of us the entire hour.
This woman has to watch two of her children struggle with limitations everyday of their lives and knows that, short of a miracle, she'll someday have to bury her babies. And I complain about my fears?! I will call on her strength everytime I feel weakened. Everytime I struggle with reality, I'll remember hers.
God bless and Happy Monday!