Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Not sure

I'm not sure if i'm suppose to laugh, yet.
I'm not sure if i'm suppose to cry, yet.

I'm not sure if I can blog.
I'm not sure if I can take time for me.

I'm not sure how he feels.
I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm not sure how long it takes.
I'm not sure if it ever goes away.

Life right now is really difficult. Trying not to offend. Trying not to upset. I never know what to do. I never  say the right thing anyway. Most of all, I can't complain. I can't hurt because his pain is worse.

Happiness doesn't just come easily anymore. Joy isn't just present. Smiling is rude and laughter is forbidden. Words of wisdom, I pray to the Holy Spirit, to come to me at the right times and come out in the right places. My strength is being challenged and I am not very strong.

I do not worry, because he is strong. I do not wonder, because he understands. But I do hurt for the times when he will hurt and I won't know. I hurt for the times when I find joy and he remains in sorrow. I thought we would always know and feel the same. I feel his pain, but I will never know the depth of his wounds.

I don't know how many times I've thanked God for our little girl in the past week. Her smile is always welcome. Her presence always brings joy. Her life is an example for which we should follow. I love the distraction she brings. Regardless of whats going on, she still needs fed, bathed, and loved. She is an example that life goes on and life is indeed beautiful.

Life may never be the same and in this time of uncertainty I will remember where beauty can be found. I will remember that when I can't find words to say that there is beauty in the silence, that there is beauty in the tears, and that there will always be beauty in his remembrance.


  1. Margaret,

    This was so beautiful and moving to read. What awesome reflections of your soul!

    We will be keeping your family in our prayers.

    Love, Maria

  2. Margaret you are one my Great friends and I have to say, this is such a good and touching blog to read.
    Marshal and you are in my thoughts and prayers yet, please stay strong, God will lead you through all this tough time.

    Call me whenever!!

  3. Margaret,
    I've been meaning to call but I'm thinking about you and your family and offering many prayers. What a strong wife and mom you are!
    Hopefully we can talk soon,