Friday, February 18, 2011


My entire life right now seems to revolve around the amount of sleep I get, which really means how much Molly sleeps. I'm obsessed with this idea that I need a good long night, waking up ready, fully rested sleep and until I get it I'm unable to function. Recently, in the mornings I wake up angry because once again it took until midnight to fall asleep and as soon as I do Molly wakes up and as soon as she goes back to sleep my husband's 5-freakin-oclock alarm goes off and then its a half hour of trying to get back to sleep before Molly wakes up again at 5:30 ready to start her day.

When Molly was a newborn, it seemed easier to be up all night and function with little to zero sleep. I would pack my husbands lunch at 4 in the morning after feeding Molly for the third or fourth time that night and still be able to have breakfast with my husband when he got up, workout and shower before my day has even begun. I don't know what's changed or why I can't handle her being up in the middle of the night. I think I've begun to consider naptime and bedtime to be my break time and when I don't get that it's like not getting a break or having time off and working 24 hours a day. Lately, I've just begun to crave a break and its just building up inside like a coil.

After having another very frustrating night filled with baby frequently waking up and yelling, "mommy bed...mommy bed," and me trying to ignore her heart breaking pleas and let her cry back to sleep, I caved and gave in. At around 5:30 a.m. both of us were tired of crying back to sleep and I finally brought her to our bed.

After I got rid of the pacifier, the naps have dwindled into nothing and I got desperate enough to start taking naps with her. I should have known. Now I've ruined all of our hard work and she once again only wants to sleep in my bed, but I have no energy. No will. No strength to struggle with her. So I gave in.

(This is what she believes the crib is for, throwing all her stuffed toys inside and then laying on them.)

The hardest part about all of this is that I really do want her to sleep with us. I miss her tiny little 8lb. body cuddled up on my chest. This struggle makes it really hard to listen to her cry back to sleep when I want to bring her in bed and tuck her in next to me. But, then there is the other part of me that needs that time when she sleeps for time to myself. It's a struggle and I'm to tired to deal so I give in and I am left without a break, without sleep.

These long days have left me a bit desperate in trying to find ways to keep Molly Bird entertained. Not only has Molly watched more tv (movies) than I am comfortable with, but I pretty much will do anything to keep her entertained. This has included building tents, which are "houses" to Molly, playing with any utensel in the kitchen excluding the knives, mattresses in the livingroom...I guess what I'm trying to say is if she wants something, she gets it.
I'm sure you can guess when she saw these pictures, she immediately requested a basket.

Maybe it's just winter or maybe it's just pregnancy hormones, but I'm tired of just dealing and am ready for energy. I just don't know how to get there, because the reality is Molly isn't even two yet....and I can't have caffeine haha!

If any mother out there has conquered the art of letting go and knows the secrets to getting an almost-two-year-old to sleep, please fill me in.

Happy Friday!

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