Sunday, April 17, 2011

When two rockstars get sick...

This past week has been exhausting. Physically. Emotionally. Everything seemed to big for me to handle. It all started a few weeks ago when I got a bad cold which led into a painful sinus infection. I thought I had gotten through it with a few extra vitamins, steam showers and lots of liquids, however a few short days later it returned with a vengeance. Then my love, my child, my little birdy got sick. It started with a fever, which she's gotten fevers before, but with the fever she got a cold. Not just a runny nose, but a my-face-hurts-make-me-feel-better-mommy cold.

We did the usual sick day things. Soup. Sleep. Lots of water. I knew what to do. I could handle long as Dora the Explorer was on Nick Jr and I felt better in the morning. But then things changed just a bit. Just enough so that this mom had no idea how to handle life. First of all, my cold got worse. Then I learned that Molly may have been exposed to Whooping Cough and that she had all the first stage's symptoms. Of course, I immediately began to scour the Internet for answers. Well, I don't really go on the Internet for answers. That's just my excuse for really searching in vain for a word, a description or anything that would tell me my child does not have Whooping Cough. Something to make me feel better. Something to help me not worry.

My heart still hurts, because I still don't know. Her cold is letting up, but we'll have to wait to see what test results say and if "the" cough comes next. This could be the calm before the storm or it could be the finish line for her cold. I truly fear the unknown and even as I type this I have to remind myself not to think about it because everything will be okay. I sorted through my emotions, I've had my break down and now I know we'll be okay.

I had Whooping cough when I was young. Most of my brothers and sister also had gotten it. I don't remember the cough or feeling sick, but more than anything I remember my parents worry and sadness, especially my mothers. I have a clear memory of having to part with my mom in the parking lot as my dad brought me into the hospital. For years this memory made me sad. I've never really understood it. I don't remember being sad. But the memory makes me sad. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would have been for my mother to leave me and my little brother at the hospital with my dad and have to go home without us to take care of the rest of her sick children and a newborn.

I don't want Molly to have to go through this. Please. I don't want any of my children to ever have to go through that. I want to buy plastic Easter eggs to fill with jelly beans and eat Peeps, not because they're good but because it's Easter, and not worry about what time her next antibiotic will be or if that cough she just made sounded like a "whooping" sound or remember these painful memories. I can remember a night, not too long ago, when my rosary beads past quickly through my fingers as I prayed for her to be okay. The very first time I ever felt this kind of worry.

April, 18th.


Maybe that's why I'm crying.

Molly Bird, we just love you too much.

You are our life.

One year after we met you. One year after I discovered who I truly was. One year ago...

You were just beginning to walk. There were so many things you were just beginning that you have long accomplished now.

One year ago we never ever ever ever went anywhere without your pacifier. And now, you bring a purse and sunglasses with you everywhere you go.

This is how you used to plow through a cranberry muffin...

Instead of like this...

Oh, and remember how you used to wear diapers?

You have changed so much in one year....I can only imagine how amazing this next year is going to be.

Happy Birthday, my love.

~Your mommy

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